


To Let Go

by deanisbiandsoami



Series: Why? JUst why did I come up with this? [26]
Category: Glee
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Death, Funerals, I AM SORRY, I am an evil person, I say 'happy', I'm Sorry, M/M, Mourning, Neither Blaine nor Kurt die so that's a plus, Nothing about this is happy, Pain, Well - Freeform, at least for Klaine..., really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 10:58:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7168310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanisbiandsoami/pseuds/deanisbiandsoami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything seemed like it was moving in slow-motion... as if even time didn't know what to do without that one most important heartbeat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> I truly believe that this is the evillest thing I have ever written and DEAR LORD that means something. I am truly sorry for hurting one of my all time favourite characters who in NO WAY deserves to be treated like this.
> 
> I really really am sorry. I had the idea, I wrote it, I cried.

Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Doctors running around him, people screaming, crying, sobbing, talking, asking questions. 

He was breathing, he knew that but it felt wrong, like his lungs weren't filling with air, like there was something pressing down on them, he felt hands touching him, an IV hooked into his arm. He was aware that he was in a hospital. But he couldn't ask himself what was wrong.

The world was moving slower than ever, every second a fight, all the noise seemed far away… he didn't hear anything. His eyes focused on one monitor showing the beat of his father's heart in a room opposite of his bed. He'd been pulled away from the room, fighting the doctors all the way until he saw the first missed beat and his father's eyes rolling back. 

He was only vaguely aware that the hand holding on to his arm was Blaine's. He was vaguely away that his vision was starting to fade and his head was swimming and there was a pain in his head and stomach but that didn't matter. 

He was watching the line on the monitor, willing it to start moving again, praying to a god he didn't believe in that the awful zero would just disappear and give way to any number that made this whole nightmare untrue. He watched until a nurse turned off the monitors and they pulled the tube from his father's mouth. 

Suddenly all the noise came back, time was moving again and Kurt screamed. He'd never felt like this before, not when Blaine told him he'd been with someone else, not when his father had held his hand and explained that his mother wouldn't come back, not when he'd gotten a call in the middle of a New York night that he'd lost his brother. 

He felt like the floor had been pulled from under his feet, like someone had reached through his stomach, like someone was squeezing his heart. 

"No, no, no." He kept repeating, drawing it out each time until he couldn't breathe any longer. He sucked in air, chocking on it and coughing, doubling over and breathing desperately, his lungs still not filling. 

"Look at me, Kurt, please look at me." Blaine kept talking to him but all Kurt could see was nurses pulling his father away to make room. 

"No, please-" Kurt sobbed, his vision starting to fade again and then everything was black.

 

When Kurt blinked open his eyes everything was too bright. It took him a few moments to actually see. Blaine and Carole were sitting at his bedside both of their faces tear stained, their eyes red. Kurt had never seen Blaine this broken and he knew the expression on Carole's face far too well to know that he hadn't been dreaming at all, that his nightmare had actually happened. 

He clenched his eyes shut, trying so desperately to wake up but when he opened them again he was still in the hospital and he let out a small, broken sob. Blaine was framing his face a fraction of a second later. 

"You're awake, oh thank god you woke up- Kurt, I am so happy to see your gorgeous eyes-" Blaine rambled. 

"Tell me, I'm wrong…" He took a shuddering breath. "Please, tell me I didn't see what I think- tell me he's not dead." He felt tears falling down his face. 

"I'm so sorry." Blaine said and Kurt cried out again, his hand clutching onto Blaine's sleeve. He turned his face into the pillow and started sobbing again.

 

Blaine had held Kurt after prom, after Finn died, after being rejected from all kinds of roles. He'd held his crying husband far too many times but he'd never heard this beautiful voice so broken. He only now truly understood that Kurt had always held back, tried not to show too much of his pain but now there was no holding back. Kurt didn't care who heard or saw as he cried into the hospital pillow, holding on to Blaine like he was the only thing keeping him from drowning. 

Blaine could feel his heart scattering into a million pieces as he heard the absolute pain in his husband's sobs. He felt entirely useless and he knew he couldn't do anything to help Kurt and that was making everything much harder. 

Blaine couldn't believe what had happened. That this man he'd admired and respected so much for the past years was suddenly gone. He didn't understand why or how this strong man could possibly be dead. 

 

Kurt's sobs became quieter less like screams of physical pain and more broken sorrow. Blaine hated how hopeless he sounded. He'd moved to lie next to Kurt in the hospital bed and Kurt was now crying into his chest, hands fisted in the soft cotton of Blaine's undershirt. Blaine had his arms around Kurt, holding him tight. 

It took hours for Kurt's sobs to ebb away and even then the tears didn't stop flowing. 

"My love-" Blaine started. 

"Don't." Kurt whispered. He looked up at Blaine. "Can you leave me alone, please. I mean- thank you for being here and I know you're hurt too but I need to be alone right now." Kurt said. Blaine pressed a kiss to his forehead and moved to stand up. Kurt turned onto his other side, away from the door and curled in on himself as far as his pain allowed him. 

 

Kurt felt like throwing up. He was sitting on his bed, legs pulled up under his chin as he stared at the suit he was supposed to be already wearing. It was plain black and while it was of the best quality it was making Kurt sick to his stomach. He didn't want to leave his bed. He didn't want to talk to his friends. He didn't want to look at Carole and he didn't want to see the hurt look in Blaine's face when he kept his distance. 

He was trying hard to pull himself together but whenever he got a grip on any part of himself he lost touch with another and was right back at the beginning. 

"Kurt, we need to leave in a few minutes." Kurt nodded but didn't turn his head to look at Blaine who had opened his door. "I know this is hard-" Blaine started. 

"I don't want to go." Kurt said, closing his eyes. He opened them again when he felt the mattress dip. 

"You have to." Blaine said. "I wish we weren't in this situation but we are-" 

"We are nothing." Kurt snapped. "You don't know what I feel. You can't even pretend to imagine-" Kurt stopped when he saw the tears in Blaine's eyes. 

"I loved him too." Blaine said and Kurt just turns his head away. 

"What am I supposed to do without him?" Kurt whispered. 

"Be my husband." Blaine said and Kurt looked up at him. "I know I can't possibly understand what all this means to you and I am ready to let you grieve however you want to… but I need to know that in the end when you feel just a little better, when you're ready, that you'll come back to me; into my arms." Kurt just stood up and walked to his closet, smoothing down the lapels of the suit. 

"I-" He started. "I can't promise you that right now." Kurt mumbled and he heard Blaine let out a sob before the door closed again. Kurt took a deep breath and started putting on the suit. 

 

Kurt was barely able to walk into the chapel, painfully aware of the stiffness in Blaine's body where he was walking on Carole's other side. He wanted nothing more than to just burrow his face in Blaine's chest and forget all this was happening but he knew that once he did that he'd never find himself again. Kurt didn't sit down next to Carole in the front row, he walked up to the casket, putting his hand on the polished wood. Even then his fingers were still shaking. 

He closed his eyes, feeling his chest tighten. He felt his fingers stretch, desperately wanting his father's hand to take his and tell him 'you can do this'. It was as if he was back at his mother's funeral only a million times worse because he had nothing to hold on to. 

"I love you so much." Kurt whispered, his voice breaking and he let himself slump forward, his forehead on his hand. As close as he was ever going to get to his father. He straightened himself up after a few long moments and went to sit down next to Carole. 

 

Kurt tried his best not to talk to anybody. He couldn't possibly survive everyone shaking his hand or patting his back or hugging him, he couldn't even hold eye contact with anybody without falling apart all over again. He kept staring at his knees during the service, ignoring how his tears were staining his slacks. 

He almost couldn't stand as the boys from glee club lowered the casket into the grave right next to his mother's. 

It wasn't until all of the original New Directions sang Over the Rainbow that Kurt broke down. He started sobbing again and fell to his knees in the dirt between the two graves. His sobs became worse when he felt Blaine's arms wrap around his shoulders the other man kneeling beside him and holding Kurt's shoulder to his chest despite everything Kurt had said to him over the past week. Kurt lifted his hands to hold on to Blaine's arm as he slumped against his chest. 

 

"Kurt, can we talk?" Blaine asked. It was two weeks after Burt's funeral and they were back in their flat in New York but Kurt still hadn't said anything outside the bare essentials. They were sleeping in one bed but Kurt always had his back to Blaine and it was breaking his heart. 

"Blaine-" Kurt started but Blaine shook his head. 

"I want to give you time. And I know this is something you don't get over, this is something that will always hurt but I cannot spend another day with my husband barely acknowledging that I'm here." Blaine said. "Why can't you just let me hold you when you wake up crying in the middle of the night?" 

"Because he could I ever let go?" Kurt asked. 

"You don't have to." Blaine said. "I will never leave you." 

"In the far future one of us will die and maybe it's me… but it also may be you and if I lean on you know, I'll never stand on my own again and losing you would kill me." Kurt said. 

"You are so strong, Kurt, you went through hell and you came out perfect!" Blaine said. Kurt shook his head. 

"The only thing that got me through all of it was him, Blaine, ever since I was eight and he took my hand at my mother's funeral. I was so confused and lost and he could fix everything with a simple touch. He was my hero and I don't think I can go on without him." 

"You have so many people who love you, Kurt." Blaine said. 

"I know." Kurt said. "And I love you, all of you… but it's not enough and I'm just scared that it'll never be enough." Blaine winced a little and moved to take Kurt's hand, pressing it to his chest. 

"As long as my heart beats, it beats for you." Blaine said. "You are the light of my life, Kurt, and I will do anything to make you smile again." Kurt nodded and stepped a bit closer to Blaine. 

"I am so sorry." Kurt whispered. "I've been so distant, god, I don't deserve you." 

"Of course you do." Blaine said. "You lost the most important person in your life." 

"That's supposed to be you." Kurt said. Blaine shook his head. 

"No, Burt was a far too amazing Dad for me to be the most important." Blaine said.   
"He was." Kurt said. "But you are just as amazing a husband." Blaine leaned in to kiss Kurt's forehead. 

"So are you." Blaine said and Kurt pulled Blaine in for a firm hug. "Never even hint you could leave me ever again." 

"I promise." Kurt said.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your precious time. I hope you enjoyed it and I shall boldly ask for one more moment of your day, please leave kudos or even a comment. They are greatly appreciated and nothing will go unread.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> (And once more, now that you know why: I AM SORRY)


End file.
